discovery

discovery

This is the first moment of quiet, me time I have had in nearly a month and I have to say, I'm loving it. Not that I don't also love being around other people, but over the past couple months I have learned more about myself than I have in years and having this time to myself allows me to process the chaos and conclusions.

There is tremendous strength and power in knowing who you are/aren't and what you do/don't stand for. People generate all sorts of lists to hash out the pros and cons of a major decision or even when mentally critiquing your significant other or friends. Whether or not those lists are ever written down, the list still exists. I have been keeping my own list to take note of things that I have found are truths about me.



I value meaningful relationships.
I can not lie and cringe at the thought of breaking rules that may result in getting in trouble.
I crave contemplative alone time.
I struggle with feigning interest in something that doesn't interest me, but I hate disrespecting people.
I've become a more caring, empathetic and emotional in my adult life.
I have tremendous buyer's remorse and don't like spending money on myself.
I am a strong woman who will stand up for what I believe in.
I don't like making people feel bad or stupid.
I am meticulous about word choice.
I struggle with perfection, but am working on being perfectly flawed.
I need to stop measuring myself against others and set my own standards and goals.
I've been told I am a good listener and give good advice.
I'm ok with letting myself down, but won't tolerate letting others down.
I need to work on telling people how much I care about them. I used to tell the people closest to me that I loved them, but I have put up an emotional wall.


After the monumental loss of my mom, I lost a huge part of myself. I could no longer identify with the person I once was. My world, walls and life came crashing down. Throughout the last few months I have been on an incredible journey of self-discovery. Who am I without my mom? What is my role in this life? Life has started to show some answers to these questions.

I had the honor of standing up in support of my dear friend Kate at her wedding this last weekend. In anticipation of this event, I had tried to prepare myself for the potential uproar of emotions that would almost certainly arise. You see, this would be the first wedding I had attended since the loss of my mom and judging by the triggers that have caused me sadness in the past, seeing my best friend Kate interact with her mom in the context of a wedding would undoubtedly be one of those moments.

I am proud of myself for making it through the rehearsal, last minute crafty projects and even the ceremony but it was watching her family gather in front of everyone at the reception as her mom read a poem about watching her daughters grow up and marry wonderful men that did me in. I sat at one of the head tables for all to see, borderline sobbing...how embarrassing. I officially become the crazy, crying lady = awesome.

The next instance of uncontrollable emotion was on the dance floor. I was telling Kate how how much her friendship means to me and that I was sorry for crying earlier. Of course, that was enough to set the waterworks off again. I took off to the bathroom where it seemed the world was gathering and tried to explain myself to onlookers, but gave up. It was pointless...I knew where it came from and I knew I didn't have to justify the tears.

That moment was an epiphany in itself. To finally feel as though I didn't have to justify or validate my emotion was truly liberating. I am allowed to be the crazy, crying lady for a few minutes and I am proud of myself for pulling it back together and not letting it ruin my night. The me a few months ago would have not been so strong.

Yes, there is great power in knowing who you are/aren't and what you do/don't stand for. I am excited about continuing this journey of discovery and seeing what life changing conclusions unfold. I encourage you to make a list of life's little epiphanies. It will unquestionably make you a more aware, alert and insightful student of the universe.